


Tempus Fugit

by J_Forever



Category: 21 Jump Street (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2019-08-05 03:06:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 17,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16359533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Forever/pseuds/J_Forever
Summary: During season’s three “Blinded by the thousand points of light”. After an arrest gone awry, Tom’s world turns upside down.





	1. Chapter 1

Tom leaned his back against the wall and slid down slowly to the floor. A trail of blood flowed down his forehead and tears were slowly trickling down his face. He looked around him and momentarily wondered what to do. He was in a cold motel room, hurt and alone. 

It took Tom several minutes to compose himself before walking to the phone. He had to call Fuller and tell him what happened.

_Or at least a part of it._

“Fuller…”

“Hey… It’s Hanson,” he said, his voice empty of any emotion.

“Hanson? Where the hell you are?” Fuller asked a bit angry. He was dead worried about the young officer who was missing for at least 24 hours. The last time Officers Harry Ioki and Denis Booker saw Hanson, he was undercover in front of an adult video store, posing as a male prostitute. It was a tough case, seven young male prostitutes were severely beaten and now a teenager named Aaron was missing. The only suspect was an unknown assailant driving a black BMW.

“In a motel room…” Tom quietly replied. “He…”

Fuller frowned, as Hanson stopped talking. Something was wrong, very wrong. “Hanson, are you okay?”

Tom cleared his throat. _He was alive, but he wasn’t okay. He should be more careful, he should never going into the BMW with that man. He went alone with a violent rapist and no backup. How could he be so arrogant? Everything that happened to him was his fault._

“Tom…” Fuller said softly. “Talk to me… Where are you? I’ll be there faster than I can…”

“I am fine… I… I’ll go home… You don’t need to worry about me,” Tom muttered. 

“So tell me where you are,” Fuller said. 

Tom hesitated for a few seconds, wondering what to do. Closing his eyes he muttered the motel address to his captain.

“I’m coming,” Fuller said. 

*************

Adam Fuller was nervous. Something in Hanson’s voice was not right. _Something bad happened to the young officer and he needed to know what._ As he promised Tom, he drove to the motel as faster as he could. He walked carefully into the room 304. 

“Hanson…” he called.

“Here…” Tom said, his voice almost a whisper.

Fuller looked at the young officer and frowned. Tom was sitting on the ground, trails of blood run down his forehead. He had his arms protectively against his chest. “Hey, Coach…” he muttered.

Fuller walked slowly towards him. “What happened?” he said, as he knelt in front of the young officer.

“Nothing…” Tom replied, but instantly he regretted the lie. Obviously Fuller wouldn’t believe him. “I mean… It’s not that bad… He knocked my head…”

“He?” Fuller asked in concern.

Tom nodded. “The guy in the black BMW… Sorry, he managed to take my gun from me, he knocked my head… I let him escape… I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay, Tom,” Fuller said softly. “Let me help you to get up,” he said. “I’ll go with you to the hospital.”

Suddenly Tom’s body tensed and he pulled away. “No,” he said firmly. “I wanna go home…”

“You need to see a doctor,” Fuller insisted. 

“No!” Tom shouted at him. “I don’t need a doctor, I need to go home, to take a shower… and…” he suddenly stopped. He needed to control himself and stop talking. His Captain was no fool and would certainly connect the dots. 

_Adam Fuller was in a quandary. Hanson was hurt, his body was shaking. The suspect was a violent predator, a rapist. Something really bad happened in this motel room, something Hanson didn’t want to tell him._

 _If the suspect did to Hanson the same he did to the others victims, go home and take a shower wasn’t the right thing to do. He wanted to respect Tom’s wish, but knew evidence should be collected as soon as possible._

“Our suspect is a violent predator, a rapist,” he said. 

“I know,” Tom said, instinctively stepping back. 

“If he did something to you…” He said, carefully choosing the words. 

“Coach…” Tom’s lips were trembling.

“You’ll need help…”

Tom shook his head and looked at the door. _He didn’t want to go to a hospital. He wanted to go home, take a shower and pretend nothing happened to him._ “I already told you, I don’t need help; I only need to go home…” he said, walking to the door.

Fuller sighed. Hanson was a very stubborn man. He took a few steps and rested his hand in Tom’s shoulder. “You know you can trust me, don’t you?”

Tom turned his face to him. _The truth was he needed help. He was hurt and needed to go to a hospital. He desperately needed someone to tell him that what happened wasn’t his fault._ “I… failed. I was so stupid…” he said, lowering his head. “It happened so fast, I thought I had everything under control… But then… He took my gun from me. He hit my head with the back of the gun. I passed out…When I woke up…” Tom paused for a moment, closing his eyes. “He was forcing himself on me…”

Now it was Fuller who closed his eyes. “I’m really sorry…”

Tom shook his head. “I tried to pull away from him,” Tom continued. “But he overpowered me… I tried, I really tried.”

“What happened wasn’t your fault, Tom,” Fuller said, like reading his thoughts. “C’mon, you need to see a doctor…”


	2. Chapter 2

As they arrived at the hospital, Tom sighed heavily. He needed to see a doctor, but he didn’t want to tell anyone what happened to him. The thought of getting a physical examination was terrifying. “I don’t know if I can do this,” he said honestly. 

“Don’t be afraid. I’m here with you, son,” Fuller sighed, resting his hand over Tom’s shoulder. 

Tom slightly nodded his head. “I’m so sorry, Coach…”

Fuller sighed heavily. “There’s nothing for you to apologize for. There is no shame in being assaulted, Tom…”

“But I am a trained police officer...” Tom said. No matter what his captain was saying, he felt ashamed. 

“A great police officer, but you’re also a human being… It happened. I already told you, none of this is your fault,” Fuller assured him. “C’mon, you need to go there and receive the help you need…”

Tom reluctantly nodded his head and walked into the hospital.

*********

After obtained Tom’s consent, the doctor conducted a full medical examination. Dr. Davis carefully explained to him all the procedures and why they were necessary. “Nothing will happen without your permission,” he assured. “And we can stop any time you want. Let’s start?” 

Tom reluctantly nodded his head. He remained silent all the time the doctor examined him. Dr. Davis was very professional and didn’t judge him, but, still, he felt guilty. He felt weak, worthless, a complete failure, as a police officer and human being. He should’ve done something, he should’ve be strong enough to protect himself. He shouldn’t be lying on a hospital bed. 

Tom wiped a tear from his eye, as the doctor talked to him about blood tests. “It’s routine,” Dr. Davis quietly explained. “Don’t worry about it right now…” 

Tom slightly nodded. 

“And, Tom, we’re here to help you…” Dr, Davis assured him.

“I wanna go home,” Tom finally said something. 

Dr. Davis nodded. “Well, we’re almost finished here... Do you have someone to stay with you?”

Tom quickly shook his head. “No, and I don’t want to… I want to be alone…”

Dr. Davis didn’t like the idea of Tom being alone, but tried not interfere. “Okay, but as I told you, we’re here to help. I’ll be here…”

Tom nodded gratefully. “Thank you…” he let out in a whisper.

When Tom finaly walked into the waiting room, he found Fuller waiting for him. “Hey, Coach…”

“Are you okay?” Fuller asked.

“I think so,” he said. “I wanna go home…” 

“Okay, son,” Fuller said softly. “I’ll take you home…”

Tom nodded and followed Fuller. He didn’t say a word on the way home. 

“Promise me you won’t tell anyone what happened to me,” Tom asked, with teary eyes, as they stepped in front of his building. “Especially my friends…”

Fuller nodded. He did understand this request. He couldn’t imagine being in Tom’s shoes. 

“When time comes, I’ll tell them… But not now,” Tom said, breathing heavily. “I need time…” 

The young police officer looked at ceiling. “I think we both need some rest. Thank you for everything you did for me…” 

“Will you be okay?” Fuller asked in concern.

Tom faked a smile. “I am fine… I just need… time…”

 

****************

On the street

 

Adam Fuller walked to Booker and Ioki. He already talked to Penhall and Hoffs about Hanson and now he should to talk to the two other officers. He was tired, but he owned them an explanation, even if it was not the whole story.

“What happened to Hanson?” Booker asked in concern, as he looked at his captain. Something was very wrong. He could see it in Fuller’s distressed eyes. 

“We’re worried,” Ioki said. “Is he okay?”

“He’s fine,” Fuller lied to them. He promised Tom he wouldn’t breathe a word about the rape. The young police officer didn’t want his colleagues to know what happened to him in the motel room and Fuller respected his wish. “Our suspect managed to steal his gun… He knocked his head… But he already saw a doctor… He’s doing okay… He only needs to rest.”

Booker frowned. Fuller was hiding something from them.

But what? And why?

“So he’ll take some days off,” Ioki muttered. 

Fuller nodded. “We need to catch this bastard,” he said darkly. He truly hated that horrible man for what he did to Tom. “Hanson gave us a full description of him… Now we know the face of this piece of shit.”

Ioki frowned at the anger in Fuller’s voice. On the other hand, Booker was more suspicious. He never saw his captain talking this way.


	3. Chapter 3

_Tom’s apartment_

 

“I’m fine, Doug! Really, you don’t need to worry about me,” Tom said. His friend called him, his voice showing how worried he was. 

“Are you sure, man?” Penhall asked. “Fuller told us you needed to see a doctor…”

“Yeah, but nothing bad happened. I only need to rest, that’s all,” Tom assured him.

“If you say so,” Penhall muttered. “I want you to know that I’ll do my best to catch this bastard,” he assured his friend.

“I know,” Tom whispered. He hung up the phone and pressed his eyes with the palms of his hands. _How would Doug react when he found out what happened?_

_Deep down he feared the answer._

Tom lied on the couch, eyes closed. He was trying to pull the memories of his assault away. But it was a lost battle. Tom saw his assailant everytime he closed his eyes. He could hear his voice, sense his touch…

_His failure…_

_What if he moved right?_

_What if he moved left?_

_What if he moved faster?_

_What if he never went into the black BMW?_

He asked himself over and over again, as tears filled his brown eyes. 

The sound of the doorbell pulled him from his thoughts. With his sleeve, he wiped the tears from his eyes and walked to the door. 

His visitor was unexpected. “Booker?” he asked in surprise.

“Jesus, Hanson! You look like hell!” Booker said, looking at him upside down. He eyed Tom’s pale face and red eyes. His colleague was certainly crying, but he didn’t understand why.

“What do you want?” Tom asked coldly. 

“I’m worried about you. Fuller told us the guy in the BMW knocked you out and stole your gun… Are you okay?” A question Booker already knew the answer to. _Hanson was far from okay._

“I’m fine," Tom replied. “I only need some time to rest…”

Booker studied Hanson’s features, trying to read the young officer like a book. “Are you sure?” he asked. “'Cause you don’t look okay to me…”

“I told you, I am fine,” Tom assured him impatiently. “I need to rest if you don’t mind...”

Booker nodded. “Okay, Hanson… But if you need something, just call me…” he said.

Tom frowned. Denis Booker was the last person he expected to worry about him. “You don’t need to worry about me…”

Booker sighed. 

_Hanson was a very stubborn man…_

 

_On the streets_

_Later that night_

It was a cold night on the streets. Booker slid his hands into his pockets, trying to keep them warm. The Jump Street crew still was still trying to catch the guy in the black BMW, but Booker knew it was a wasting of time. After assaulted Tom, obviously the man would disappear.

“I hate this,” Ioki muttered.

“Me too,” Booker sighed heavily. “This guy won’t come back here, he wouldn’t be so stupid… The bastard…”

Ioki nodded. “Yeah... Fuller was pissed… I never saw him so angry…”

“He hurt one of us,” Booker said. “Hanson seemed a dead man… He was so…”

“Wait a minute,” Ioki frowned. “Did you see him?”

Booker nodded. “Yeah, I was worried about him and went to his apartment… he wasn’t okay… He was kind of depressed.”

“Hanson is a great cop. I think it’s hard for him. You know, he let the guy run away with his gun…” Ioki said.

Booker shook his head. “I don’t know, man… There’s something wrong…”

“This guy… He’s a…” Ioki stopped. 

_He’s a rapist_ , Booker was about to say, but kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but his instinct said there was something wrong. 

“He’s a predator…” Ioki said sadly, lowering his head. “I really hate this assignment!”

“Me too…” Booker quietly admitted. “But we need to find this guy, he needs to pay for all the pain he caused.”

Ioki nodded. _The man in the BMW hurt one of their own… It was time to stop complaining. It was time to do his best to put that man in jail._


	4. Chapter 4

A week later

 

Kyle Sullivan splashed cold water on his face and glared at his reflection in the mirror. He let out a slight smile, as he remembered the events of a week ago. 

_“You’re under arrest,” the young man posing as a male prostitute told him. He was in truth an undercover cop._

_Kyle cleared his throat, as he saw his journey coming to an end._

_But he tried to keep himself calm._

_Everything happened too fast. Kyle managed to steal Tom’s gun and quickly knocked his head with it. He saw the young police officer falling to the ground._

_Kyle was no fool. He knew what he needed to do. He needed to left Tom there and run away._

_Or kill him and run away._

_But a thought crossed his mind, as he looked at Tom’s body._

_He was a man who had nothing to lose._

_The young police officer lured him. He looked really young… Kyle knew he was about to cross another line, but he didn’t care. It was like he was enchanted._

_He placed Tom on the bed and started to force himself on him._

_Then the young police officer woke up. He struggled and pleaded, but Kyle didn’t stop. He was finally feeling alive again. "I should kill you,” Kyle whispered in Tom’s ears. “But I’ll let you live… I really liked you, you can’t even imagine how much… You’re not like them …You’re special.”_

The middle aged man knew he played a dangerous game with Officer Hanson. He should kill the young police officer, but he couldn’t. He definitely wasn’t like the others. 

He was, in his point of view, _special._

_In the end, Tom wasn’t like his son._

_His son was seventeen years old when he started to work on the streets._

**We sould our love here**

_The sight never left his mind and haunted him since then._

_Gabriel was leaning against a concrete wall, a middle aged man was talking to him. The older man was giving his son some money. Gabriel grinned and put the money in his pocket. Then he followed the man quietly into a hallway._

_Even if he didn’t believe in God, he prayed it was only a dream. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening._

_Gabriel was working on the streets as a male prostitute, sealing his body._

_Kyle followed them. Gabriel was his son and he would protect him. He needed to protect him._

_“Hey,” Kyle snapped._

_Gabriel turned to face him and his face instantly turned pale. “Da… Dad?”_

_“What the hell you’re doing?” Kyle asked angrily._

_Gabriel raised his head and stared at him defiantly. “C’mon, father, don’t play games with me… You know what I’m doing…”_

_The unknown middle aged man rolled his eyes. “Look, you two should talk… privately,” he said and walked away._

_“Gabriel,” Kyle said softly. “Listen to me… You’re not like these homeless people on the streets… You’re my son! That man is a predator!”_

_“You’re such a hypocrite,” Gabriel said in disgust, walking towards him. “You’re not different from him and you know it!”_

_Kyle felt his blood ran cold. He clenched his fists in anger. “Shut up!” he said, punching his son straight in the nose._

_“You’ll never lay your hands on me again!” Gabriel said, after wiped the blood from his nose._

_“Gabriel,” Kyle muttered, as he watched his son walking away._

A single tear streamed down Kyle’s face. He never saw his son again. Gabriel disappeared from his life, leaving nothing more than memories. The middle aged man looked for his son in every cold street, but it was like he disappeared into thin air. Anger and hate consumed his heart and he started to target every homeless male prostitute who resembled Gabriel. 

Kyle knew he was playing a dangerous game, but he had nothing more to lose. And now there was the young, attractive, police officer who filled his dreams every night. A slight smile crossed his face. He would have Tom in his arms again, even if it would cost his freedom or his life.

 

_Chapel_

Tom sighed heavily as he walked into the chapel squadroom. After a week, he was finally coming back to work. 

“Hey, man,” Penhall quickly walked to him. He was worried about Tom. His friend locked himself in his apartment and refused to talk about what happened in the motel room. Doug knew Hanson enough to know how reserved he could be. So he decided to give his friend some space. Now that Hanson was back all he wanted to know was if his friend was okay. “How are you feeling?” he asked, rubbing his friend’s arm.

Tom flinched at the touch. “I… I am… fine,” he said with a shaky voice. 

“Tom…” Penhall muttered. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked in concern.

Tom nervously ran his hand through his hair. “I’m fine, I just…” he couldn’t finish the sentence. His colleague Judy Hoffs suddenly appeared and hugged him tightly. “Hanson, we missed you so much,” she said, kissing his forehead. He pinched his eyes closed, as the contact. 

_Why was he feeling cornered? Judy and Doug were his friends. Tom knew they would never hurt him, so he didn’t understand why he felt this way._

_But truth was he was terrified._

“Hi, Judy,” he said softly, as she finally let go of him. 

“We were dead worried about you,” she said. 

“I am fine,” he assured her. “I needed a few days off, that’s all…”

Judy nodded. “We’re still trying to catching that horrible man… He killed that poor kid Aaron,” she explained. 

Tom cleared his throat. He didn’t know what happened to Aaron. “He… He’s dead?”

Judy nodded. “We found him motionless in an old bathtub. He probably died completely alone…” she said emotionally. The sight of Aaron’s body in that old building really hit the young woman hard. 

Tom cleared his throat, as a memory flooded his mind.

_“You’re not like them,” the man said to him. “You’re special.”_

_With the gun pointed at his head, Tom let a single tear run down his face. “Let me go,” he pleaded._

_The man pressed the gun against Tom’s temple. “I’ll go,” he said, licking his lips. “I’m satisfied… for tonight… You stay here, quiet… Don’t try to follow me, officer…”_

“Tom?” Judy frowned.

“Sorry,” Tom muttered. “I got lost in my thoughts for a minute.”

Sitting on his desk, Denis Booker stared at the scene developing in front of him. He wanted to walk towards Hanson exactly like Judy and Doug did, but he stopped himself. Tom seemed disturbed and distressed. The young man was assuring everyone he was fine, but his eyes were telling a different story. It was an enigma and Booker was determined to solve it. 

“Hey,” Fuller walked to the small group. “Let’s talk in my office…” he turned to Tom.

Tom nodded and followed his captain. 

“Did you see the psychologist?” Fuller asked.

Tom shook his head. “Coach…”

“Don’t coach me!” Fuller said seriously. “You need to see a professional, you need to talk to him about what happened to you… I’m sorry, Hanson, but I can’t let you go undercover until I’ll be certain is safe!”

Tom lowered his head. “I’ll see the psychologist,” he said sadly.

Fuller sighed heavily. “I know this is hard for you…”

“No,” Tom said in a whisper, shaking his head. “You can’t even imagine… But I am fine, Coach. I’m willing to do what’s necessary to go back to work…”

“We’re still looking for him, Hanson. We’ll catch this guy…” Fuller said softly. 

“He killed Aaron. Judy just told me…” Tom muttered, clenching his fists. 

Fuller nodded. “Now we know how he looks like, we have a description, thanks to you…”

Tom looked up at him, his eyes full of misery. “I should’ve done something…”

Fuller cleared his throat. He felt sorry for Hanson, but didn’t know what to or what to say to help him. “Tom…”

“He told me to not to try to follow him, to stay quiet…” Tom said quietly. “I was so terrified, I saw him leaving and I couldn’t move, I couldn’t…”

“Tom…” Fuller muttered, resting his hand over Hanson’s shoulder.

“I’m a failure… Maybe I should quit the force. I don’t deserve to be a cop…” Tom said sadly.

“You’re a great cop,” Fuller said. “But you need help, Tom. I’m really worried about you… Please, I’m not asking as your superior, I’m asking as your friend.”

Tom nodded. “Thank you, Adam… for everything…”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who was reading this story! I hope you're enjoying it!

Tom left the chapel and came back home. He wanted to rest. Come back to work was more dreadful than he had imagined. The young police officer wanted to pretend that nothing had happened to him, but when Doug touched him, he knew it was impossible. 

He closed his apartment’s door and looked around him in frustration. He slowly walked to his bathroom and closed the door. After taking off his clothes, he entered the shower and let the warm water run on his face and body. But, when Tom closed his eyes, he saw him, the unknown man who destroyed his life. 

_“You look just like my son…”_

Tom leaned his back against the wall, his legs shaking. He slid slowly down to the floor. 

_“Oh God, please! Let me go!”_

_“God won’t help you,”_ the man said coldly.

Tom closed his eyes. He was feeling dirty and humiliated. 

_“You are mine now…”_

The man’s words echoed in his mind. Tom closed his eyes and started to scratch his left arm until it bleed. He seemed enchanted, as he watched droplets of blood fell from his arm. Surprisingly, the pain calmed him down and he let out a sigh of relief.

Tom cleaned his arm and left the shower. After drying himself, he wrapped the towel around his waist and caught his reflection in the mirror. His face was deathly pale and his eyes were blurry. He was a shadow of his former self. 

He stumbled into his bedroom and pulled on a white sweatshirt and jeans. He didn’t want to sleep. His nightmares were so vivid that it was like he was experiencing everything again.

The young police officer walked to his living room and lied on the couch, eyes closed. When he heard his doorbell hung, he sighed in frustration. Tom frowned when he opened his door and saw Booker standing in front of him.

“Hi, Hanson!”

“What are you doing here?” Tom asked impatiently. 

“I’m worried,” Booker said softly. “Something happened to you… and I really want to know what I can do.”

_Great! No one can help me, smart boy…_ “I already told you… I am fine…” 

“Tom…” Denis said softly, resting his left hand in Tom’s shoulder. “Talk to me… What happened that night?”

Tom flinched at the touch and pulled away. “Nothing happened,” he said, wrapping protectively his arms around his chest. 

Denis clenched his fists in anger. _Hanson was lying._ He knew something really bad happened to him. He could see it in his eyes. “You’re lying,” he shook his head. “But I don’t understand why…”

Tom sucked in a ragged breath, as the memory of the rape threatened to overtake him. “I am not,” he replied, lowering his head. “Why are you tormenting me?”

“What that man really did to you?” Denis insisted.

Tom looked at him completely defeated. “He used my own gun to knock my head…” he muttered. “I fainted… When I woke up, he…”

“Tom,” Denis gently rested his hand over Tom’s shoulder. “Talk to me…”

“He was over me,” Tom quietly admitted. “I felt a sharp pain and…” He didn’t understand why he was telling Denis the truth. But he was tired. “I begged him to let me go…”

Denis shut his eyes closed. Tom’s confession was breaking his heart. “He was over you,” he quietly muttered, clenching his fists. He needed to take a deep, hard breath. He would kill that man.

“I tried to stop him,” Tom’s features suddenly hardened. “But he already was… was inside of me… He didn’t stop, he hurt me… Are you satisfied?” he asked coldly, his voice void of any emotion.

_Satisfied?_

“Hanson, I…”

“Now you finally know what he _did_ to me! Do you want more details?” Tom asked, walking towards him. 

_More details?_

“I’m here because I care about you,” Denis argued. “I know it’s hard to believe, but…”

Tom scoffed. “Oh, c’mon, Booker… Everybody knows you only care about yourself,” he snapped. The young officer knew he was being too harsh on his colleague, but he was angry. 

“You’re angry,” Denis said. “I understand you…”

“No,” Tom clenched his fists. “You can’t understand it… You can’t imagine it… I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe… You have no idea what…” he stopped, sitting on his couch, his hands cupping his face. 

Denis sighed heavily and, sitting next to Tom, wrapped him in his arms. “You’re right, I have no idea, but…”

“No…” Tom tried to pull away, but Booker held him tightly. “I’m here,” Booker assured him. “I’ll catch this damn bastard, Hanson. I swear to you.” 

The sensation of protection overwhelmed Tom and he finally relaxed. “He killed the kid we were looking for…”

“I know,” Denis sighed. “We’ll do justice to him, Tom… We’ll do justice to you…”

“I won’t anyone to know what happened to me…” Tom quietly confessed, his head quietly resting on Denis’ shoulder. “You need to promise me you won’t whisper a breath about it…”

“I won’t, I promise. You have my word, but God help this bastard when I put my hands on him, because I’ll have no mercy,” Denis said coldly.

“I’ll trust you, Denis…” Tom said, his eyes slowly closing. The young officer was tired. He wasn’t sleep well since the attack. Nightmares and memories haunted Tom, trapping him inside his own mind. It was hard to admit and he won’t breathe a word to Denis about it, but he was feeling safe with him there. 

Denis watched Tom sleeping peacefully on his chest, until his own eyes started to close. He vowed himself to protect his friend and catch the man who hurt him.

_Whatever it takes._

***  
In the dark hallway of Tom’s apartment building, Penhall got the spare key on top of the doorframe. Something about the last case was buzzing through his head and he wanted to talk to his friend. Since Tom already did something similar before and almost gave him a heart attack, he saw no problem in getting into his friend’s apartment this way.

_Karma’s a bitch_ , he thought to himself.

He carefully walked inside his friend’s apartment. His eyes suddenly grew wide when he looked at the couch and saw Hanson sleeping on Booker’s chest. 

“Hanson…” he muttered in confusion.


	6. Chapter 6

The sight of Tom sleeping peacefully on Booker’s chest shocked Penhall. His friend was clutching Booker’s t-shirt, in a gesture of intimacy. It was weird, after all, _Hanson and Booker weren’t even friends_ , Doug thought to himself. “Hanson…” he let out in a whisper, still trying to understand the scene before his eyes.

It was Denis who slowly opened his eyes and saw Doug staring at them. “Penhall…” he muttered. “What…” he suddenly looked at Hanson and instantly understood the shock in Doug’s eyes. Hanson was asleep in his arms, his hand clutching at his t-shirt. 

Doug shook his head in confusion. “What the hell is happening here?” he asked, a thought crossing his mind. 

Now it was Tom who opened his eyes. He raised his head, still grabbing Denis’ t-shirt. He blinked as he looked at his best friend, who was in front of him. “Doug…” he muttered. “What are you doing here?”

Doug cleared his throat. “I was worried about you…”

“What time is it?” Tom asked, still feeling sleepy. 

“Two clock in the morning… I’m sorry, It wasn’t’ my intention to disturb you two…”

Tom frowned in confusion. Then realization finally hit him hard. He was sleeping in Booker’s arms and his friend was obviously confused by the sight. “Doug, listen… I can explain.” 

“You don’t own me any explanation. It’s your life and I know it’s not my business,” Doug said. “But… Damn, you’re acting so weird at the chapel. I thought it was because the last case, but I was obviously wrong! You made some changes in your life… I just would like you to trust me enough to tell me about it…”

"No, Doug. You don’t understand,” Tom tried to argue.

But Doug wasn’t listening to him. His best friend just stormed out of his apartment.

“What the hell?” Tom looked at his door in disbelief.

Denis slightly shook his head. “He’s thinking we are…”

“I know what he’s thinking,” Tom cut him off, embracing himself. “This is a freaking nightmare!” 

“Look, Tommy,” Denis walked towards him, but Tom took a step back. “Don’t call me that…”

“It’s okay,” Denis said in frustration. “I’ll talk to him, _Hanson_ …” he said, touching Tom’s arm.

“Don’t touch me!” Tom ordered and started to scratch his arm. He was feeling confused and nervous. Doug was his best friend and now he was mad at him. “I want to be alone…” he said, unintentionally pulling up his sleeve. 

“What the hell is this?” Denis asked, as he noticed the bruises on Tom’s arm. “Did the bastard do this to you?”

Ashamed, Tom quickly pulled down his sleeve, hiding the bruises again. “It’s nothing…”

“Let me see it,” Denis said seriously.

“No, I think you should leave,” Tom said, stepping back.

“No,” Denis said and, grabbing Tom’s wrist, he pulled up the sleeve. He looked in disbelief at the scratches that covered Tom’s arm. He had no doubt. Tom did it; he hurt himself. 

“Let me go,” Tom said, as he watched the horror in Denis’ face.

“You did this,” Denis concluded, as he let go of Tom’s arm. “You hurt yourself.”

“This is not your damn business,” Tom yelled at him. “Get out! You’re not my friend! I don’t know why you’re here… Penhall is mad at me and it’s your entire fault!”

“Penhall is an idiot and I don’t give a damn about him!” Denis shouted at him. “I’m worried about you!” 

“You don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine!” Tom said stubbornly.

“No, you’re not,” Denis said in frustration. “Tom, please, trust me… I’m here with you, no matter what… I’m only trying to help…”

Tom cleared his throat. He didn’t understand why Denis was being so good to him. He certainly didn’t expect it. “No one can help me, Booker… _He… He_ stole my soul…”

Tom’s words sent a throbbing pain through Denis’ heart. He felt the desperate need of doing something to help his friend. “So… let’s get your soul back…”


	7. Chapter 7

_At a bar_

Doug looked at his beer and realized it was warm by now. After stormed out of Tom’s apartment, he decided to go to a bar and drink some beers to calm himself down. 

_Hanson and Booker._

_Why his friend didn’t trust him to tell about this change in his life? Hanson always told him everything. They were like brothers. Why keep this secret from him?_

Doug shook his head. He sighed heavily and sipped his warm beer. He winced and pushed it away. “Hey,” he raised his right hand to call the barman. “Another one, please.”

Doug drank his beer quickly. Then he asked for another… and another…

_Hanson and Booker._

It was really hard to believe. Hanson never sympathized with the other officer. They distrusted each other. Everyone in the chapel knew it. 

_Maybe they were only playing characters,_ Doug thought. _It made sense._

_They were just pretending…_

_All the time…_

 

 _Tom’s apartment_

 

“He’s not an idiot; he’s like a brother to me,” Tom muttered, his head on Dennis’ lap. 

“I know,” Dennis said softly. 

“We trust each other, but I… I can’t tell him what happened to me,” Tom said, the hurt was obvious in his voice. “What if he doesn’t believe me?”

Dennis sighed. “I’m pretty sure Penhall would believe you…”

“Maybe not,” Tom quietly admitted his fears. “I tried to explain about you and me an hour ago and he didn’t let me…”

Dennis shook his head, as the remark. “I think he was only a little scared, that’s why he reacted that way… Don’t take it by heart…”

“He reacted that way because he thought that you and I are in a relationship. “It’s simple like that...” Tom said, his face flushed pink as the remark. 

“He’s overprotective of you,” Dennis smiled. “He’s worried… He saw you like his brother… and I… well, not good influence…”

“Yeah…” Tom said, playing with his fingers. “He’s a tough guy… He would know how to defend himself… He’s strong, like you…”

Dennis shook his head. “What happened wasn’t your fault, Hanson…”

“Fuller told me exactly this words …” Tom said quietly. “He… He was the only one that helped me… I called him and he took me to the hospital…I was hurt and…” his voice trailed off. “And he convinced me that I needed to see a doctor… He was right…” 

Dennis let out a slight smile. He really admired Captain Adam Fuller. He was not only a wonderful professional; he was also a great human being. “So he knows,” Dennis muttered. 

Tom nodded. “He was good to me, didn’t tried to judge me… like you… He wants me to see a shrink… You know before assign a new case for me…”

“He’s right… You need help; professional help… Does Fuller know you’re hurting yourself?” Dennis asked.

“I’m not hurting myself,” Tom said stubbornly. “I was just a little nervous, that’s all…”

“One more reason to see the shrink”, Dennis remarked. 

“I don’t want to talk to a stranger about what happened to me,” Tom said. “Sharing my feelings and cry won’t make me feel better…”

“You’re already sharing your feelings with me,” Dennis said. “But I’m not a professional, I’m just a friend. The therapy will help you to come to terms with everything that happened to you…”

“I’m tired…” Tom said, closing his eyes. 

“I think I should go,” Dennis said softly.

Tom felt his heart sink. _He didn’t want to be alone._ “I want you to stay,” he quietly confessed, his eyes still closed. 

“Okay,” Dennis nodded.

Tom turned his head and rested his right hand on Dennis’ leg. “Thank you,” he muttered.

“Sleep well, Hanson,” he said resting his hand over his friend’s stomach.


	8. Chapter 8

_Tom’s apartment_  
_In the morning_

 

“Sorry for last night,” Tom apologized, as Dennis offered him a cup of coffee. “I shouldn’t ask you to stay. It was inappropriate,” he said, his face flushing a little. As he woke up, the young police officer realized what he was doing. He couldn’t blame Penhall for being mad at him; he was caught in a fragile moment and didn’t know what Dennis would think about him. 

“No, it wasn’t,” Dennis said softly. “You needed a friend and I promised to help you… Here…” he put eggs and bacon on a plate and handed it to Tom.

“Thanks…” Tom muttered.

“Do you want to me to go with you to the psychologist’s office?” Dennis asked.

“Booker… I…” Tom’s voice trailed off. 

“Let’s do this way… I’ll go with you and wait patiently sitting on a chair, while you talk to the psychologist… I’ll behave, promise!” he said, letting out a slight smile.

Tom rolled his eyes. “Fine…”

 

_The shrink’s office_

 

Tom sat in front of the psychologist feeling uncomfortable. He didn’t want to talk about his feelings with a completely stranger. He was a very private person and the simple idea of going into details about his rape made a shiver run down his spine. At least, the man in front of him wasn’t the same professional he needed to see after Amy was murdered.

“So…” Dr. Turner started. “Why are you here?”

“I was working on a case, my group was after a man who had beaten and rape homeless boys. I was posing as a male prostitute,” Tom sighed heavily, carefully choosing his words. “Everything we knew was that the man had a black BMW. So, when I saw a middle aged man driving this car I accepted his offer… you know… to go with him… But… I made a mistake. I went with him alone… No backup. It was a bad decision…”

“Why?” the shrink asked, no expression on his face.

“He drove us to a motel… He paid for a room. I followed him… I decided to wait until he tried to do something to arrest him… I thought I had everything under control, but he stole my gun and used it to hit my head,” Tom explained. “That’s why I’m here… My Captain thinks I need to see a professional before go back to work. It’s procedure.”

“I see; you don’t want to be here…”

Tom shrugged. “I’m sorry… Sit here and sharing my feelings, cry… these kinds of things don’t make me feel better,” he said, scratching his arm.

Doctor Turner nodded. “I understand… You’re a private person, likes to deal with things on your own…”

“Yeah… I’ll be fine…”

“I hope so,” Dr. Turner said. “You’re very young, things like this happen… How’re you dealing with your guilt?”

“Guilt?” Tom frowned at the question, feeling a sense of _déjà vu_. When his girlfriend Amy died he sat in front of a psychologist, who asked this same question. 

“Yes, guilt… You’re a good cop and the suspect ran away, but before he hurt you,” he said looking at Tom’s arm.

Tom nodded, still scratching his arm. “I was an idiot… I shouldn’t go alone with  
him... I deserved what happened to me. ”

“So you think you deserved what happened to you; you deserved being hurt…” the shrink remarked. 

Tom lowered his head. He suddenly noticed that his arm was bleeding. “I’m sorry…” he said ashamed.

“No need to say sorry; I’m not here to judge you…” Dr. Turner said softly. “Do you feel calmer when you hurt yourself?”

“I’m not hur…” Tom started, but stopped talking. _There was no point denying it now. Obviously he wasn’t tricking the man in front of him. His shame should be etched on his face. He was an idiot and a failure._

“Sometimes, some people hurt themselves to help them deal with bad feelings, thoughts, memories… It’s called self-harm,” Dr. Turner quietly explained.

“I’m not crazy…” Tom felt the urge to justify himself. “It… helps me… to make the memories go away…” 

“No one is saying you’re crazy,” the shrink said softly. “It’s the way you chose to deal with happened to you… He stole your gun, hit your head… and ran. You blame yourself for what happened… So you’re punishing yourself for let him ran away.” 

Tom shook his head. _No, it was a bit more complicated than that._ “I’m tired,” he said quietly. “Can I go?”

“Okay, we can continue our talk another day,” Dr. Turner said. 

“Of course…” Tom nodded and walked out of the office, his head low.

“Hey,” Dennis said, walking to him. “Are you okay?” he asked in concern, as he noticed a bloodstain in Tom’s shirt.

“I’m fine,” Tom said in a whisper. “He wants to see me again… the shrink… I think I really need help…”

Dennis looked sympathetically at Tom and slipped a hand around his neck. “Do you want come back home?” 

Tom nodded. “Please…”

“So, let’s take you home,” Dennis let out a soft smile.

 

_Tom’s apartment_

Tom unlocked the door of his apartment and walked in with Dennis. “Thank you,” he muttered.

“It’s okay… Let me help you to take care of your arm,” Dennis said softly.

“I’m okay, Booker… really…” he tried to convince his friend. “You should go to the Chapel… You shouldn’t be here babysitting me…”

Dennis sighed heavily. “Don’t be so stubborn…” he said, grabbing Tom’s hand and pulling up his sleeve. “We’ll need to take care of these wounds…”

Five minutes later, Tom was sitting on the edge of his bathtub, watching as Dennis carefully cleaned the wounds in his arm. 

“See? Much better now…” Denis said, after putting a semi-occlusive bandage on Tom’s arm. 

“Thank you… You’re being a real friend to me,” he said, lowering his head. _He didn’t understand why Dennis Booker was being so good to him, why he was taking care of him so carefully._ “But really I don’t understand why…”

“I already told you, you may not believe me, but I really care about you…” Dennis said softly, resting a hand over Tom’s shoulder.

Tom cleared his throat. _He was feeling confused._ “I thought you disliked me…”

“Well, you were wrong…” Dennis said, sighing heavily. “Are you feeling better?”

Tom nodded. “I’m okay… I think… I want to go to the chapel…”

“As you wish…”


	9. Chapter 9

_Chapel_

Doug looked up as Tom and Dennis walked into the chapel together. He felt a shiver ran down his spine, as he saw Booker resting his hand over Tom’s shoulder. He really didn’t like or trust Dennis Booker at all and it was hard for him to accept that now the ex-internal affairs agent had Tom’s heart.

He instinctively lowered his head, as he saw Tom walking towards him.

“Doug…” Tom muttered, as he stopped in front of him.

“Hey, Hanson,” he said, without facing his friend.

“I wanna talk to you…” Tom muttered under his breath. “About last night…”

“I already told you, Hanson. You don’t own me any explanation…”

“Doug…” Tom shook his head. _Penhall was always so stubborn._ “Please, I wanna…”

“Look, I really don’t want to hear about your nights with Booker, okay? You like him, I got it, I don’t understand why, but you’re my friend… I have to accept it,” Doug said, the hurt obvious in his voice. 

_Nights with Booker?_

Tom stared at him friend completely dumbfounded. “Doug, I…”

“Hanson!” Fuller’s voice filled the squad room. “My office!”

Tom nodded his head and turned to his friend. “I really want to explain things to you… I’ll talk to you later…”

 

_Fuller’s office_

Tom made his way into his Captain’s office and calmly sat in front of him. 

“Well,” Fuller said, hands on his chin. “Did you see the psychologist?”

Tom nodded. “Yes, sir… I’ll need to go back to see him, you know…” he lowered his head. It was really hard for him to admit, bet he was not prepared to go undercover again. _Not yet._ “I think… I’ll need help…” he said.

“You know I’m here for you, don’t you?” Fuller asked softly. 

“I know, sir, and…I don’t know how to thank you and Booker for everything.”

“Booker?” Fuller frowned. 

Tom nodded, a soft smile on his face. “he just… he’s being a real friend to me. He knows what happened and took me to see the psychologist today,” he explained. 

Fuller nodded. It was good to see that Tom trusted someone else. He only didn’t understand why Hanson chose Booker instead of Penhall to share what happened to him, but kept his mouth shut about it. “I’m glad, Tom… Let’s do it. I’ll put you on desk duty for a while… You know, until you’ll be prepared to go back to field.”

Tom sighed heavily. “It’s okay, Coach,” he lowered his head.

“You’ll get through this, Tom… I know you’ll do,” Fuller said sympathetically.

“He’s still out there, Captain,” Tom said sadly. 

“We’ll catch the bastard…”

“Sorry, but you can’t guarantee that…” Tom said, shaking his head.

“You’re right, but I’ll do my best…”

 

_Chapel locker room_

“Hey,” Dennis muttered as he met Doug at the locker room.

Doug shook his head. “Hey…” he said indifferently.

Dennis sighed heavily. “Look, Doug… I…”

“I don’t trust you,” he said sharply. “I really don’t understand why Hanson is behaving this way, but I warn you, if you hurt him, there’s no place in earth you could hide from me…”

Dennis rolled his eyes. _Classic Penhall, the man was always protective towards Tom. He admired Penhall for this; he was really like an old brother to Tom._ “You know nothing about me, Penhall… I really care about Hanson and never _ever_ would do anything to hurt him.”

“Doug…” Tom muttered, as he walked in. “What’s happening?”

“Nothing, Hanson,” Dennis said softly. “It’s everything okay… We’re just talking…”

Tom frowned suspiciously. “Are you sure?”

Penhall nodded. “Sure…”

“Look, Doug, I really want to talk…” Tom said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry, man… But I can’t talk now… I’m late…” he said and walked away.

“Doug…” Tom muttered, lowering his head.

“Hey,” Dennis rested his hand over Tom’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Fine…” Tom said.

“Do you wanna go home?” Dennis asked, caressing Tom’s arm.

“No…” Tom rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m fine… Thanks… Look, I need to be alone…”

“It’s okay,” Dennis said, letting go of Tom’s arm. "If you need something just call me, okay?" he was truly concerned about the other officer. He had strong feelings for Tom, _he always did_ , but decided to hide this secret. His friend was confused and he wouldn't do anything to hurt him. 

 

_At a bar_

Tom sighed heavily before walked into the bar. He was feeling very confused, but he needed answers, he needed to be in control.

_I don’t want to know about your nights with Booker._

Penhall’s words echoed in his head. His friend jumped to conclusions, _but was he so wrong?_

He took a deep breath and took a sit. The barman approached him and he asked for a whiskey. 

“Looking for company?” A man asked, sitting next to him.

Tom’s entire body tensed as he heard the man speaking to him. The man was about thirty years old and was dressed in a black shirt and grey pants. He was tall, had dark hair and stunning blue eyes.

“Are you okay?” the man asked, as Tom gave him no answer.

Tom slightly nodded. “I’m fine, sorry…”

The man smiled. “Ryan Williams…”

“Tom… Tom Hanson,” the young officer smiled back, flushing a little. 

Ryan looking at him amused. This guy Tom Hanson really interested him. “So… You didn’t answer my question… Looking for company?”

Tom cleared his throat. _Okay, he knew what he was looking for when he walked into this place._ “Yeah, I think so…” he quietly nodded. 

“Good… I’ll buy you a drink…”

Tom quietly nodded. Then 40 minutes and five beers later, he was enveloped by Ryan’s arms and his blood ran cold as he felt Ryan’s lips on his neck.

“Are you okay?” Ryan asked in concern. Tom’s face turned deadly pale and he was breathing like a racehorse. It concerned Ryan. “Look, if you don’t wanna do this… It’s okay…”

“I… I’m okay, really…” Tom tried to assure him. “I just…”

Ryan gave him a smile. “No, you’re not… and that’s okay,” he said softly. “It’s the first time you go out like this, huh?” 

Tom nodded, his head lowered. “I… It’s just…” 

“It’s okay… I still remember the first time I went out… I was…Twenty-one years old… I had these feelings inside me that I always repressed. I was so confused, just like you seem to me,” he said quietly. 

_Confused._ Ryan was reading him like a book. Tom never felt so confused in his entire life. Since that night in the motel room, he was questioning himself. But when Booker had stayed in his apartment everything turned upside down. The young officer made him feel truly confused. “But you’re not confused anymore…”

“No… I’m not. I know now who I am,” he said softly, caressing Tom’s face.

The young police officer closed his eyes and let Ryan embrace him again. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you to find out who you are,” the older man said and kissed him softly.


	10. Chapter 10

Tom slowly opened his eyes, trying to adjust to the brightness of the room. He looked around him trying to figure out where he was. It was a large bedroom.

“Good morning,” Ryan’s voice suddenly filled the room.

Tom put his hand on his head. “Morning…” he muttered.

“You drank a lot last night,” Ryan said. “Here…” he handed to him a cup of coffee. “It’ll make you feel better…”

Tom took the cup in his hands and sighed. “What happened?” he asked in fear and angst. _The fact that he didn’t remember what happened after Ryan encircled his arms around him and they kissed scared the hell of him. He definitely wasn’t prepared for any of this. His life was changing too quickly and he didn’t know who he was anymore._

A slight smile played across Ryan’s lips. He noticed the flush on Tom’s face and couldn’t help but think how innocent the young man in front of him was. “Nothing happened, you don’t need to worry about it,” he said honestly. “You were too tired and I let you sleep here in my apartment.”

Tom sighed in relief. “I’m really sorry, but I’m not…” he stopped, searching the right words.

“I know… You’re confused… But not like I was some years ago,” Ryan said. “You talked while you were sleeping. Someone hurt you, really hurt you.”

Tom looked up at him and cleared his throat. “I’m really sorry,” Tom said ashamed. He could imagine what he could have said. He was making a fool of himself and felt embaressed.

“Don’t be,” Ryan said softly, sitting next to him. “I’m not a dumb asshole, Tom. I’m not here to take advantage of you…” 

Tom quietly nodded. “Thank you…”

Ryan looked at him sympathetically. “You can have a shower if you want and later I can drive you home…” 

 

_Tom’s building_

“Here,” Tom pointed to his building.

Ryan let out a small grin, as he stopped his car. “So… It’s here where you live…”

Tom nodded. “Thank you for everything,” he said opening the car’s door.

“Here…” he handed a card to him. “Here’s my number. Just in case you want to see me again.”

Tom took the card in his hand. He just wanted to mutter the words I’ll call you, but he couldn’t even open his mouth. _Now, he was not only confused, he was feeling ashamed and embarrassed._

“I’ll wait… I don’t know why,” Ryan said frowning. “But there’s something in you… I liked you.”

Tom felt a lump in his throat. “I need some time…”

“Understandable,” Ryan softly caressed Tom’s flushed cheeks, leaning closer to him. “I told you I would help you to find out who you are… and I always keep my promises.”

Tom felt his heart racing and his breath shallow and fast, as Ryan’s lips touched his own. “I need to go,” he slowly walked out of the car.

Dennis looked at Hanson and the other man with shocked eyes. After left the chapel, he went to Tom’s apartment. _He knew his friend wanted to be alone, but he was afraid that he would hurt himself again. But Tom wasn’t there. So he decided to wait patiently for him. The hours slowly passed by and the night turned into day. Now, he knew why Tom didn’t come back home. He was with that stranger doing God knew what. He felt his blood cold and jealousy running through his veins._

Tom watched carefully as the blue Audi Ryan was driving disappeared on the street. He was so concentrate that he didn’t notice Booker standing behind him. 

“Who’s that guy?” Dennis asked angrily and Tom turned his head.

“Booker, what are doing here?” Tom frowned.

“Who’s he?” he asked again, ignoring Tom’s question.

Tom instinctively stepped back. “He’s a friend.”

“A friend?” Denis clenched his fists in anger. “Don’t lie to me! I saw you two in the car. I saw him leaning over you!”

Tom winced. “Look, I don’t know why you’re yelling at me, but I don’t own you any explanation!” Tom said firmly. _He was grateful to Denis for everything he was doing for him, but he couldn’t accept this kind of behavior._

“So… He’s not just a friend,” Denis said, the pain etched in his voice. “I didn’t know you are…” he cringed, the words caught in his mouth.

“What?” Tom frowned. “Say it!”

“He’s a boyfriend,” Denis said, shaking his head. 

“He’s not a boyfriend,” Tom quickly corrected him. “I met Ryan in a bar last night. I needed…”

“What?” Dennis looked at him in disbelief and grabbed forcefully his wrist. _He was respecting Tom, trying not to take any advantage of him. But then the young officer was throwing in his face about his little trip to a bar when he met that stranger. In the end, Tom wasn’t who he was thinking of and Dennis started to feel like a complete idiot._ “You’re telling me you spent the night with some random guy you met in a bar last night? What’s wrong with you?”

“Get off me,” Tom ordered. “Why are acting this way? You ‘re making a scene! Stop it!”

Dennis cleared his throat. _Tom was right. It didn’t matter who this Ryan guy was. He had no right to act this way. After all, Tom didn’t own him any explanation._ “I’m sorry…” he said quietly. “I was worried about you… You didn’t come back home last night… I was waiting for you and overreacted…” 

“You spent the night in front of my building?” Tom asked, rubbing his wrist. 

Dennis rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry, but…”

“Why?” Tom asked. “You never… Damn, Dennis! You… You’re the source of my confusion! I really don’t understand you!” 

Dennis frowned.

_Confusion?_

“I told you, I care about you,” he assured him.

“A couple of minutes ago, it seemed a little bit more than that,” Tom said. “Damn, I don’t know who I am anymore and you… You just keep taking care of me and now you’re acting like you’re jealous… I don’t understand…”

Dennis lowered his head. “I have…” He felt a lump in his throat; the words escaping like prisoners. “I have feelings for you, since the first time I saw you. You never understood, you never saw how much I care about you, but I was okay with it, because I knew you would never be with me… But when I saw you with this guy…”

Tom cleared his throat. _Dennis was right. He never could imagine something like this happening in his life._ “I need to go…” he said, stepping back. “I don’t wanna talk about it now…”

Dennis nodded. “Fine…” he said and watched painfully as Tom walked into the building.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** _This chapter contains some references to season’s three, episode one, “Fun with animals”._  
>  Thank you for the kudos. I wish a happy new year to all of you!

_Tom’s apartment_

Tom closed the door behind him and walked into his bedroom. He put his hand in his pocket and reached for the card Ryan gave him. 

_I’ll help you to find out who you are._

The young police officer touched his lips and suddenly felt weird. Ryan kissed him. Twice. He could feel his heart beating fast again, as the memory filled his mind. Tom had never imagined something like this happening in his life. He didn’t know who he was anymore. The stranger in the black BMW stole everything from him, he would never be the same Tom Hanson.

_No one can help me, Booker… He… He stole my soul…_

_So… let’s get your soul back…_

Booker. Dennis Booker. The young police officer who joined the team this year. Tom remembered their first case. He was still hurt because his friend and partner, Doug Penhall, left the Jump Street program. He disliked Booker at the first sight. Booker was stubborn, arrogant and would not listen to anybody. _Who could give this guy a badge?_

_Never seen anybody push your buttons like this._

Fuller’s words suddenly gained a new meaning. 

_I have feelings for you, since the first time I saw you,_

Dennis confession hit him hard. _He has feelings for me,_ Tom closed his eyes. Dennis was being so good to him, because he had feelings for him. Now he finally understood his friend’s behavior. 

_The puzzle was finally complete._

_You never understood, you never saw how much I care about you, but I was okay with it, because I knew you would never be with me… But when I saw you with this guy…_

Tom could see it; the anger and the frustration in Dennis’ eyes. For a moment, he felt scared of him. 

He shook his head. He needed to change his clothes and go to work. He was in a road searching for recovery. He loved to be a cop and he would do his best to go undercover again.

 

_At a High School_

“Are you okay?” Judy asked softly.

Dennis sighed heavily. _He spent the whole night in front of Tom’s building. He was feeling tired, frustrated and jealous._ “I’m fine,” he lied. “I had some trouble to sleep that’s all.”

Judy nodded. “A bad night, huh?”

_You have no idea_ , he thought. “I’ll be fine...”

Judy sighed heavily. “I already hate this assignment!”

“It’s not that bad,” Dennis quietly muttered. “We need to know if someone is behind these suicides or if everything that happened is a terrible coincidence.” They went undercover in a High School to investigate three suicides. Three young girls took their own lives in three weeks. 

“I don’t think this is coincidence,” Judy said sadly. “C’mon, class will start in a few minutes.”

 

_Chapel_

Tom was sitting on his desk, staring at the pile of papers waiting for him. He hated desk duty, but he didn’t have other choice. 

Booker, Penhall, Ioki and Hoffs were out, since they were assigned to new cases. _Soon, you’ll be there with them,”_ Tom tried to assure himself.

“Hey, Coach,” he raised his head, as he noticed his captain staring at him.

“Are you okay?” Fuller asked.

“Fine…” Tom quickly replied, feeling a little uncomfortable. He really did appreciate Fuller’s concern, but it started to being too much. He didn’t want to be treated like a child. 

“I’m worried about you, Hanson,” Fuller said, like reading his thoughts. 

“I know,” Tom said. “Tomorrow I’ll see Dr. Turner again.”

“Good,” Fuller let out a half smile. 

 

_Tom’s building_

Tom parked his mustang and walked into his building lost in his thoughts. He was grateful that he ended the day without face Doug or Dennis. He was tired and wanted to have a good night sleep. 

“Hey,” he heard a voice and turned his head to face Dennis who was standing before him.

“Dennis…” Tom muttered, closing his eyes.

“We need to talk,” Dennis said seriously. He was still feeling tired, frustrated and jealous. He waited all day to see Tom again. He wanted to tell him everything that was in his heart. _Tonight, it would be all about himself._

Tom stared at him for a few seconds and cleared his throat. He could still see the anger and the jealousy in Dennis’ eyes. “Okay,” he finally said and they walked together into the building.


	12. Chapter 12

_Tom’s apartment_

 

Dennis followed Tom in silence into his apartment. He was trying to calm himself down, but it was almost impossible. The sight of Tom and the stranger guy didn’t leave his mind. Deep down, he knew Tom didn’t own him any explanation, but then his heart was telling him a different story.

Tom opened his door and let Dennis in.

“This morning I confessed my feelings for you and you just ran away from me,” Dennis said in frustration.

“Look Dennis, I…” Tom’s voice trailed off. “I’m confused…” he confessed. “I don’t know who I am anymore… and you… you changed towards me. At first, I didn’t understand it, but you told me about these feelings and I really don’t know what you expect from me.”

Dennis stared at Tom a few moments wondering what to say. He knew what he _wanted_ , but he didn’t know what to _expect_ from him. In the end, Tom wasn’t the only one feeling confused. “Have you ever fallen in love with someone you knew you shouldn’t have? I don’t know if you have any idea what it looks like. You feel your heart torn apart everyday.”

“Dennis…” Tom muttered, clearing his throat.

“When you told me what happened to you in that motel room, I felt my soul break…” he said, taking a step forward, slightly caressing Tom’s cheek. “Last night, when you didn’t come back home… I was so worried about you…”

“I’m sorry,” Tom let out in a whisper.

“Then I saw you with _him_ , Ryan… You told me his name. I saw him leaning over you… in the car. I confess my blood boiled,” Dennis carefully put his other hand over Tom’s waist. “I wondered what happened last night, what he did to you…”

_Here we go again_ , Tom thought, pulling away from him. “I think this is not your business,” Tom said coldly.

“Think again!” Dennis said, taking a step forward, putting his hand around Tpm's waist again. “Everything about you is my damn business!”

“Nothing happened… I mean…” Tom’s voice faltered for a moment. “I drank a little and I was so damn confused… We kissed,” his face flushed and he pulled away from Dennis’ embrace. “That’s all that happened.”

Dennis lowered his head. “I see,” he said, closing his eyes. _He didn’t betray you_ , a voice in his head tried to calm himself down. “And you’ll see him again…” 

Tom rubbed the back of his neck. “I… I don’t know…” he quietly confessed.  
Dennis looked at him and cleared his throat. _His head was telling him to turn around and leave Tom’s apartment, but his heart was begging him to stay and take the only one who own his soul in his arms._

_His heart spoke loudly._

Dennis took a step forward and gently caressed Tom’s cheek. “Maybe I was cursed…”

Tom frowned. “I don’t understand,” he quietly muttered, feeling his heart beat hard and fast.

“Everytime I see you, I fall in love… over… and… over… again,” he said, pulling his face close. As Tom’s eyes closed, he took a deep breath and kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N:** _Thank you for the kudos! I’m really glad you’re enjoying this story!_


	13. Chapter 13

_“Everytime I see you, I fall in love… over… and… over… again,” he said, pulling his face close. As Tom’s eyes closed, he took a deep breath and kissed him._

Tom didn’t move as Dennis kissed him. 

When Dennis finally let him go, Tom stared unblinkingly at him for a few seconds. 

“Dennis…” he muttered under his breath.

“Mine…” Dennis couldn’t help, but smile. _He finally had Tom in his arms and wouldn’t never let him go._ He pulled Tom close, trying to kiss him again, but he felt Tom’s entire body suddenly tensed. “What happened?” he gently caressed Tom’s face.

Tom was breathing hard. Only single word was enough to make him remember the worst night of his life.

 _Mine_.

“Nothing,” he said quietly. He knew Dennis didn’t want to upset him, but still he couldn’t help but remember his assailant’s words to him.

_You’re mine._

Dennis frowned. “Are you sure?”

Tom nodded. “Yeah… I’m sure,” he forced a smile.

“So… Let me stay here tonight,” Dennis asked softly, kissing Tom’s cheek. “Let me stay here with you,” he whispered in his ear.

“I dunno,” Tom said, frowning. 

“I promise I’ll behave…” Dennis grinned. “Don’t worry. I know that tonight wouldn’t be _the night_ ”.

“Okay,” Tom nodded, after stared at him for a few seconds. He wasn’t prepared to admit it to Dennis, but he felt safe when he was around.

 

_Next morning_

The first rays of sun started hitting Tom’s bedroom and he slowly opened his eyes. The young police officer stared at Dennis. 

“Morning,” Dennis said with a smile.

“Morning,” Tom smiled back. He turned his head to look at the clock beside his bed. “You need to go to work and I need to see the shrink,” he said.

“Yeah,” Dennis rubbed the back of his neck. He was almost forgetting about the case he was working with Judy.

“Go take a shower and put your clothes, I’ll go after you,” Tom said, leaning forward and kissing his lips.

Dennis stared at Tom in amusement, as he rose from the bed and walked out of his bedroom. Then he did as Tom told him. He took a shower and put his clothes on. He watched as Tom made his way to the bathroom. 

“I’ll make some coffee,” Dennis said and walked to the kitchen. He was putting the coffee pod in the coffee machine when a card caught his attention.

_Ryan Williams._

Dennis felt his blood boiled again. He couldn’t help but feel jealous of this guy. 

When Tom walked into the kitchen, he was already ready to go to work. He was wearing a blue navy shirt and jeans. His hair, however, was still wet. He smelled of shampoo and shaving cream. 

“Do you want coffee?” Dennis asked.

Tom nodded and sat on his kitchen counter. 

Dennis stared at him for a few seconds, and then showed the card with Ryan’s number to him. “I found this here…”

Tom noticed the same flash of anger and jealousy in his eyes. “Dennis…” 

“I don’t want you to see this Ryan again,” Dennis muttered. “You’re with me now.”

Tom looked up at him and frowned. “You don’t give me orders…” he said, looking straight into Dennis’ eyes. 

“Tom…”

“No, you listen to me! I’m still trying to understand what’s happening to me, okay? So, don’t push it! You don’t tell me who I can talk to or not, you don’t grab me by my wrist forcefully…” Tom said seriously.

Dennis couldn’t help, but smile. Tom was incredible right and he really liked the way he was standing by himself. “I am sorry,” he said truthfully. “I think I was jealous…”

“I noticed,” Tom said softly. “But you need to understand this is not easy for me… and I don’t know what will happen,” he said stepping forward and caressing Dennis’ face. “But I know for sure that no one owns me…” 

“I know,” Dennis said softly. “And I’m really sorry for my behavior…” he said only in this moment noticing a red mark on Tom’s wrist. “What… I… Did I hurt you?”

Tom nodded. “Yeah, I know you were angry and you didn’t mean to hurt me, but… No more of this, okay?”

“Oh God, Tom!” Dennis took him in his arms. “Never more, I promise... I’m really sorry…”

“It’s okay,” Tom said. “I’ll believe you… Now c’mon, Judy will kill you if you don’t show up at the school.”  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Thank you, all of you, who's reading and enjoying this story!_


	14. Chapter 14

_At the High School_  
_The cafeteria_

“Do you have some news?” Dennis asked quietly, sitting in front of Judy.

“No…” she shook her head. “What about you?”

“Nothing, they’re a bunch of losers in this school, you know?” he said, looking around him.

“People here are weird,” Judy remarked. “But we need to keep our ears and eyes open,” she said, staring at her partner for a few seconds. “Are you okay?”

“Huh? I’m fine, why?” he asked.

“I dunno, you look so… different,” she said.

“Oh… Troubles of the heart, Judy, but I’ll be fine…” he said softly. 

Judy smiled. She flirted with him in the past, but in the end it had been nothing more than a little fun. “I’m sure you will,” she said. 

 

_The shrink’s office_

“How are you feeling today?” the shrink started the conversation.

“Better,” Tom said with a slight smile on his face. “I… I’m still confused… But I’m feeling better now.”

“Confused?” Dr. Turner frowned.  
Tom nodded. “There’s something I didn’t tell you… The guy in the black BMW…” his voice faltered and he sighed heavily. If he really wanted to take his therapy seriously, he needed to tell Dr. Turner what happened to him. “He raped me.”

Dr. Turner tried to hide his surprise at Tom’s words. He remained silent letting the young police officer tell him everything.

“I was blaming myself…” Tom confessed. “Damn, I still blame myself. I should be more careful… But I want my life back!”

Dr. Turner nodded. “You have every right to have your life back…”

“I know… But sometimes I feel like I turned into a soulless man,” Tom took a deep breath. “I found someone… This person is helping me….” He said carefully.

“How?”

“I dunno. I feel safe when I am with this person,” Tom said. 

Dr. Turner frowned. There was something about Tom’s choice of words when he referred to _the person_ , but he would figure it out. “You don’t feel safe without _this person_ …”

“It’s hard to be alone…” Tom confessed. “It’s not easy to explain… It’s not only this need to be with someone… I _want_ to be with this person, but I’m truly scared and confused …” Tom lowered his head.

“It’s normal to feel scared and confused,” the shrink assured him. “It’ll take time, Tom… You’ll need to learn how to trust and love again… That’s not a simple task, but it’s possible.”

Tom kept his head lowered, his eyes didn’t leave the ground. “I’m tired,” he said. 

The shrink nodded. “Okay, it’s enough for today… I’m glad you trusted me to talk about what happened to you… It’s a beginning. I assure you, I’m here to help you…”

“I know,” Tom said looking up. “I’ll come back here next week…”

“Good…”

 

_Fuller’s office_

“I saw the shrink again like a promised,” Tom said. “I told him what happened to me.”

Fuller nodded. He wasn’t a specialist, but he knew for sure Tom needed to talk to a professional about what happened to him. “It’s good, Tom. You’ll be fine, you’ll recover…”

“I want a chance to do my job,” he said carefully. 

“Tom…” Fuller muttered.

“Please… I can help Penhall and Ioki with the case…” Tom said. “I’ll be careful, I promise and if something happened… I’ll tell you. Please, trust me…”

Fuller sighed heavily, wondering if it was too soon to let Tom go to the field again. But then Penhall and Ioki were working on a simple case… “It’s okay…”

“Thank you, coach, you won’t be disappointed,” Tom said, a smile on his face.

“I’m sure I won’t,” he said and called Doug and Ioki to his office. 

“Hey, captain,” Ioki said, as he opened the door and walked in, followed by Doug. 

“Hanson’s on the case…” Fuller informed them. “Tonight, he will work with you, Penhall.”

Doug nodded. ”It’s a simple task, we’re only watching by now,” he explained. 

Fuller watched as Doug carefully explained all the case’s details to Tom. Penhall and Hanson were good friends. Fuller knew the young officer would be in good company. 

 

_At night_

Tom and Doug were sitting in the car. The night was over and they needed to go back to the chapel and report to his captain. 

“We just kissed… Booker and I,” Tom confessed to his friend, before he could start the car. He really wanted to talk to someone about all the confusion and turmoil in his mind. Doug was his best friend and he wanted to hear what he would say to him. Tom wanted to open up and talk about his feelings. It was different with Dr. Turner. He didn’t want a professional; he wanted a friend. “But I’m still not prepared to let him…”

“Look, I don’t wanna hear it, okay?” Doug said uncomfortable.

“Okay,” Tom muttered, lowering his head.

“I’m sorry,” Doug said honestly. “You changed…”

“Yeah… A lot happened to me,” Tom said. “Are you okay with it? I mean, you…”

“You’re like a brother to me… If you want this, I have no problem,” Doug muttered. He looked at his friend and noticed how lost he seemed. It broke Doug’s heart. He wondered how alone Tom was feeling. Doug knew Tom didn’t have someone to share what was happening inside him. _Only him_ “You can talk to me, okay?” 

Tom looked at his friend with grateful eyes. “I’m scared… I like to be with him, but I’m not prepared to… you know… And I know what he wants… I’m wondering what I put myself into,” he said honestly. 

Doug cleared his throat. “Why are you with Booker, Tom? Be honest with me!”

Tom lowered his head.

“Tom…”

“He’s being really good to me… He makes me feel safe…” Tom said, without facing his friend’s eyes.

“Safe?” _What the hell this meant?_ Doug frowned. “Hanson, what’s happening? You’re acting differently since Aaron’s case.”

Tom looked up at his friend and sighed heavily. _It was truth time_ , he thought. Doug was his friend and he wanted (or better, he needed) to trust him. Three people already knew the truth, but Doug didn’t. He feared his friend’s reaction, but it was time, he felt prepared to finally open up to him.

“There’s something I didn’t tell you…” Tom said quietly, looking for the words. “The man in the black BMW, he… he attacked me… I passed out and I when I woke up… I felt him over me…”

“Tom…” Doug whispered his friend’s name, his eyes heavy of tears.

“He raped me, Doug,” Tom finally confessed the truth to his best friend. “I tried to fight him, but… He overpowered me…”

Doug didn’t say anything, uncontrollably tears started to fall down his shock face. 

Tom could sense the pain in his friend’s eyes. “Doug…”

“I’m sorry…” Doug muttered, wiping the tears of his eyes.

“You did nothing wrong,” Tom said softly.

Doug sighed heavily, trying to calm himself down. “Did you already see a doctor?” he asked in concern. 

Tom nodded. “Fuller took me to the hospital… He and Booker are being real good to me.”

“God!” Doug muttered under his breath. _He knew something was wrong with his friend_ , but he was connecting Tom’s odd behavior to his relationship with Booker.

_Booker_.

“Does Booker know?”

Tom reluctantly nodded. “He knows… He’s helping me to deal with everything… At first, I didn’t understand him, but he confessed his feelings for me and I… I’m still scared, but… I feel safe when he’s with me, I feel… I don’t know, it’s hard to explain… I’m so confused.”

Angry suddenly took Doug over. He didn’t trust Booker, he never did. The bastard was _clearly_ taking advantage of his friend and it was something unforgivable. “Tom, can’t you see what’s happening?”

Tom frowned. “Doug… I…”

“He’s taking advantage of you, of your confused state of mind,” Penhall snapped.

“What?! No! Doug, he’s being good to me,” Tom assured his friend. “He loves me…. And he…”

Doug shook his head. “Evil can’t love, Tom! If he really gives a damn about you, he would never try to take advantage of you like that.”

_Advantage?_

Tom looked at his friend dumbfounded. Dennis was being honest with him, he was sure. “No… he’s not… he really…”

“Really what? You know Booker, he only cares about himself. You need to promise me you won’t do anything you’ll regret later…” Doug said seriously.

“I...” Tom’s voice faltered. _He knew what Doug was referring to. But it was too soon… They only kissed after all…_

 _“I know that tonight won’t be the night_ ”, he remembered Dennis’ words. “We only kissed, I told you…”

“But soon he’ll demand more. Damn, Tom, some minutes ago you just told me how scared and confused you are,” Doug said with a shaky of his head. “Look, I knew something was wrong… You’re in a fragile state of mind… He has no right to manipulate you to do anything.”

“But he’s not! He’s not, Doug, really…” Tom assured him. “I trust him…”

“Fine…” Doug nodded, as he noticed the angst in Tom’s eyes. He didn’t want to upset his friend, but Booker… Oh, he would hear him… “It’s okay, Tom… Everything will be okay, I promise.”


	15. Chapter 15

_Chapel_

Tom and Doug walked slowly into the chapel. Only Fuller and Blowfish were still there.

“Doug…” Tom muttered. 

His friend turned around to face him. “What?”

“I know you’re angry with Dennis,” Tom sighed heavily. “But you need to remember that it wasn’t his fault what happened to me…”

“I know…” Doug lowered his head.

“And It’s not his fault he has feelings for me…” Tom let out in a whisper. He knew his best friend very well, Doug wouldn’t let it go so easily. He was thinking of Dennis like an enemy. 

“Tom…”

“I promise I’ll be careful,” Tom said softly. “I just… Please, don’t judge him or me...”

“I’m not judging you,” Doug said impatiently.

“Yes, you are,” Tom said with a shake of his head. “I am a grow man, I’m capable to make my decisions. So… Just trust me… Okay?” Tom looked at him, with plead eyes.

Doug stared at him for a few seconds wondering what to say. Nothing Tom said changed his mind about Booker, but he couldn’t interfere. Tom was right, he was a grown man and have the right to live his life like he wanted. Doug loved him like a brother, but couldn’t tell Tom what to do. “You know I’m worried about you, Tommy… I care about you…”

“I know,” Tom said emotionally. “You’re like the brother I never have… I need you to understand me… I need your support…”

Doug sighed heavily. “I’ll always be here for you… But I still don’t trust him, okay? If he hurts you…”

“He won’t,” Tom assured him. 

 

_Tom’s building_

When Tom arrived at his building, Dennis was already there waiting for him. 

“Hi,” Tom smiled at him. It didn’t matter what Penhall said. He knew his friend had the best intentions and was genuinely worried about him, but Dennis wasn’t some sort of predator. 

“How’s your day?” Dennis asked.

“Good,” Tom replied. “Do you wanna come in? It’s cold here.”

Dennis nodded and followed Tom into his building. 

Tom closed the door of his apartment behind him, after Dennis walked in. “Do you wanna drink something?”

“No, I’m fine,” Dennis replied. “I was just worried about you… Did you see the psychologist?”

“Yeah, I’ll see him again next week,” Tom explained. “I think the therapy will help me to recover…”

“It will,” Dennis said softly. “You’re a tough guy, Tom… You deserve to be happy… How’s work? I know you were with Penhall in a case…” 

Tom nodded. “Fuller allowed me to go with him in an investigation,” he explained. “It’s not big deal, but it’s good to come back…”

Dennis smiled at him. He knew Tom needed to go back to work – _really go back to work_. Hanson was a great police officer and he didn’t belong to desk duty. “Everything is gonna be fine, Tom…”

Tom nodded and stepped forward. “I need to thank you…” he said, caressing Dennis’ face.

Dennis’ heart faltered for a moment. “Tom…” he said, pulling his hand around Tom’s neck. 

Tom’s heart started to beat faster and he felt a lump on his throat. He closed his eyes and leaned forward, placing a kiss on Dennis’ lips. He was still trying to understand his own emotions. _He never looked at Dennis this way before… To be more specific, he never felt this way for any other man. What if his friend was right? What if he was just confused?_

“Are you okay?” Dennis asked, breaking the kiss. He felt something was wrong, as Tom’s body tensed in his arms.

“Sorry, I think I was lost in my thoughts,” Tom rubbed the back of his neck.

Dennis looked at him not convinced. “I should go back home,” he said, wondering how things were happening so fast. 

Tom cleared his throat. _He needed Dennis. He didn’t want to be in his apartment alone._ He gently took Dennis’ hand. “Stay here… with me…”

Dennis looked at Tom and knew he couldn’t say _no_. “I dunno, I need to go back to my apartment, I…” his voice faltered, as Tom pulled him closer.

“Please,” he whispered in his ear. 

“Okay… Just give me an hour… I need to go to my apartment and get some clothes,” Dennis said.

Tom nodded. “I’ll wait…”

 

_Next morning_

Tom stared at Dennis’ sleeping form and wondered for how long the former IAD investigator would be patient. 

_“But soon he’ll demand more,”_ Doug’s words echoed in his mind and he wondered what would happen when Dennis started to demand more than simple kisses and hugs. 

Tom’s heart fastened as the thought hit him hard again.

_What if he was just confused? What if he was only afraid to be alone?_

Dennis slowly opened his eyes, drawing him out of his thoughts. “Good morning,” he whispered.

Tom smiled shyly at him. “Morning…”

“Did you sleep well?” Dennis asked, stroking Tom’s face. 

Tom nodded. “Thank you for stay here…” he said quietly. “You… You’re being very patient…”

Dennis smiled at him. “You need me and besides…” he said kissing him. “I like to be here with you… It’s not a sacrifice…”

Tom cleared his throat and sat on the bed, resting his head on the headboard. “I talked to Penhall,” he quietly confessed. “I told him what happened to me…”

Dennis looked at Tom in sympathy. He knew how hard was for Tom speak about that fateful night.

“And I told him about us…” Tom muttered.

Dennis now looked at him in amusement. _Us_. This single little pronoun made him smiled. “And?”

“You know Penhall… He’s worried…” Tom said.

“Worried?” Dennis shook his head. 

“He thinks I’m confused because of what happened to me… and…” Tom’s voice trailed off. “Forget it…”

“No,” Dennis stated. “Tell me…”

“He thinks you’re taking advantage of me,” Tom quietly explained. “But I know he’s wrong,” he quickly added. 

“I would never take advantage of you…” Dennis said in frustration, wondering why Tom was telling him about it. 

“I know…” Tom nodded. “You’re being so patient to me… But…” he hesitated for a moment. “I need to be honest with you… I don’t know if I’ll be able to give you more than this… But I need you… I like to be with you here, I feel so safe when you’re with me...” the young officer confessed, his face flushing.

Dennis looked up at him in pain. “Safe?”

_Was this why Tom was with him? Was this why Tom asked him to stay the night? Because he wanted to feel safe?_

Tom didn’t notice the distress in Dennis’ eyes and kept talking. “You’re being good and patient to me… And I was so scared to be alone…” 

“I see… I’m sorry, Hanson, but I am not your damn bodyguard!” Dennis shouted and climbed out of the bed.

“Dennis…” Tom muttered.

“What? You’re a fucking prick, Hanson!” he snapped at him and started to change his clothes. He just wanted to get out to Tom’s apartment and pretend nothing this happened. “I can’t believe how stupid I am… I thought you were developing feelings for me… But you’re scared to feel alone and just… Damn you manipulated me… to be here, taking care of you…”

“No… You don’t understand…” Tom said, suddenly regretting his wrong choice of words. Of course Dennis would feel used. “Dennis…”

Dennis gave him a sardonic smile and looked for Ryan’s card. It infuriated him that Tom just kept it instead of throwing it away. “Here…” he threw it against Tom’s chest. “Go, call him!” he said, full of venom in his voice. “Maybe he’s willing to do the job in an exchange of a few kisses…” 

“What?” Tom frowned in pain in confusion.

“You understand me… You wanted me here to feel safe and…,” he said in disgust. “You sold yourself…”

Tom felt like Dennis stabbed him in the heart. “What are you saying?”

“You understood me…” Dennis said and stormed out of Tom’s apartment.


	16. Chapter 16

_Tom’s apartment_

“Dennis…” Tom muttered, as he watched helplessly the other officer stormed out of the apartment. 

_You sold yourself_.

Dennis’ words hit him hard. Tom closed his eyes and started to scratch his arm. He breathed nervously, feeling like he was about to have a panic attack. 

There was no doubt about the meaning of Dennis’ words. He was subtly calling him _whore_. Tom wondered how his life was changing day after day. He had no control anymore, no control over who he was. 

_I thought you were developing feelings for me… But you’re scared to feel alone._

Dennis was right, he was scared to be alone, but still… he was developing feelings for the other officer. It was hard to explain, but Tom started to feel different about Dennis. 

Tom looked down and saw the blood slowly flowing down his arm. 

Then reality hit him hard. He needed to clean himself and change his clothes. It was work day and Penhall was waiting for him. He couldn’t disappoint Fuller. His superior trusted him and he had to do his best. Sighing heavily, Tom composed himself and walked into his bathroom.

 

******** 

Dennis walked to his car and as he sat in front of the wheel he regretted his words. Tom was raped, it was normal that he felt alone and scared. Maybe he was being too harsh on him… 

But…

It was pretty clear that Tom was confused and scared. He was only trying to feel safe. 

Dennis couldn’t help, but feel used. Tom practically shouted at his face how he manipulated him to stay in his apartment and take care of him. Nothing like this was necessary. Dennis would do everything to help Tom, wanting nothing in exchange. The simple thought of Tom using his kisses and hugs to manipulate him made his stomach lurch. 

_I need to be honest with you… I don’t know if I’ll be able to give you more than this… But I need you…_

 

Dennis shook his head. He loved Tom, but he couldn’t accept this kind of behavior. He wanted Tom in his arms, but he wanted him to do it willingly. The way Tom talked to him made everything that happened between them sound a trade. 

Dennis sighed heavily and started his car. He needed to focus in his own life. He loved Tom, but sometimes love was nothing more than blindness. Tom was who he was. Soon he would recover and found a new girlfriend. Dennis couldn’t allow him break his heart this way.

He looked one last time at Tom’s building and drove away in his car.

 

_At night_  
_On the streets_

“Are you okay?” Doug asked in concern. He noticed something wrong in Tom’s eyes. 

“I’m fine,” Tom lied. He couldn’t talk to his friend about Dennis’ outburst. It would only increase Penhall’s distrust in Booker. “I’m tired, that’s all…”

Doug sighed heavily and rested a hand over Tom’s arm. “If you wanna talk, you know… about what happened to you… I’m here…”

Tom looked at his friend and nodded. “Thank you… I… It’s hard for me, Doug… He’s still out there… He’s probably hurting people…”

“He won’t hurt you again, Tom! I promise!” Doug said angrily. “If I put my hands on him…”

“You’ll do the right thing and put him behind the bars,” Tom said softly. “I hate him, I truly hate him for everything he stole from me… But I want justice, not revenge…”

Doug stared at his friend in a mix of proud and sadness. “You’re one of the best persons I’ve ever know… and you’re right. We need to look after justice…”

“It’s not easy,” Tom confessed. “I just… I want my life back, Doug… I want…”

“It’s okay, man,” Doug hugged him. “You’ll be fine… I promise…”

 

_Later that night_

Tom walked into his apartment and fought back a sob. He was feeling alone and scared. He wanted Dennis with him, but he knew he couldn’t call to the other officer, not after what happened this morning.

He sighed heavily and stared at Ryan’s number. 

_“Go, call him! Maybe he’s willing to do the job in an exchange of a few kisses…”_

Ryan… Tom hesitated for a moment wondering what to do. He was terrified to be alone. Call Dennis wasn’t an option and he didn’t want disturb Penhall.

In the end, he let his fear and loneliness control his actions and, picking up his phone, he called Ryan. 

 

_Ryan’s apartment_

 

“Here,” Ryan offered him a shot of whiskey.

“Thanks,” Tom said, taking the glass in his hands.

Ryan sat next to him and watched as he drained the whiskey in one swallow. Tom,” he gently rested his hand over Tom’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine… It’s just…” Tom lowered his head. 

“Talk to me,” Ryan said. 

“I was…” Tom’s voice faltered. “I was feeling alone,” he quietly confessed.

Ryan smiled at him. “I see… And you decided to call me…”

Tom nodded slowly. Ryan’s blue eyes were almost intimidating. It was like him could look into his soul. 

“Well, I was feeling alone too,” Ryan smiled, leaning at him. “You know what? Maybe you could spend the night here… with me,” he whispered in Tom’s ear. 

Tom closed his eyes. He was afraid of intimacy, but it was better than to be alone. “O-kay…” he muttered, looking at Ryan helplessly.

Ryan pulled him in his arms. He could sense Tom’s anxiety for the way he breathed, like a horse in full gallop. It made him feel even more attracted to the young officer. He vowed himself that Tom would be his. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you… My racehorse,” he whispered in his ear.


	17. Chapter 17

_Ryan smiled, leaning at him. “You know what? Maybe you could spend the night here… with me,” he whispered in Tom’s ears._

_Tom closed his eyes. He was afraid of intimacy, but it was better than to be alone. “O-kay…” he muttered, looking at Ryan helplessly._

_Ryan pulled him in his arms. He could sense Tom’s anxiety for the way he breathed, like a horse in full gallop. It made him feel even more attracted to the young officer. Tom would be his. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you… My racehorse,” he whispered in his ear._

Tom frowned. “Racehorse?” he whispered in confusion. 

Ryan smiled at him. “Shh…” he said, kissing him hard. 

 

_Tom’s building_

Dennis looked at his watch and sighed. He was waiting patiently at least for two hours in front of Tom’s building. Now that he was calmer, he wanted to talk to Tom about their argument. He couldn’t help but feel worried about Hanson. Tom wasn’t a manipulative whore. He went through hell and it was normal to feel confused and scared. 

Dennis cared too much for Tom to simply run out of his life this way. Tom was certainly in pain and needed a friend. 

_A friend. Maybe it was only what he could be._

Looking around him, the police officer took an unorthodox decision: he decided to scale the fire escape and break into Tom’s apartment. 

_Empty_.

Hanson’s apartment was empty. Dennis sat on the couch, wondering where Tom went. Ryan’s name instantly crossed his mind. Maybe Tom had looked for him only to not feel alone. 

Dennis started to feel uncomfortable. His feelings for Hanson were obviously ruling his life. But then he didn’t have the heart to leave Tom on his own. He needed to know if he was okay. 

 

_Ryan’s apartment_

 

“Ryan…” Tom muttered, as Ryan pinned him against the wall.

 _“Go, call him! Maybe he’s willing to do the job in an exchange of a few kisses…”_

As he remembered Dennis’ words, Tom started to feel sick. This wasn’t what he wanted. Tom wanted to feel safe, but not with Ryan. Everything became a little bit clear. He wanted Dennis. 

_It was Dennis._

“Ryan, please,” Tom muttered, trying to push him away.

“It’s okay, I won’t hurt you,” Ryan kissed him roughly and Tom felt even more uncomfortable. “I love the way you breathe…” he quickly turned Tom around. The young officer was now starting to panic. Regret suddenly filled his heart as he realized what he was doing. 

“I don’t want to do this anymore!” Tom shouted, his body trembling in fear. 

Ryan let go of him and stepped back. “Okay… okay…” he muttered in surprise.

“Sorry… It’s a mistake…” Tom said.

Ryan sighed heavily. He didn’t expect Tom would react like this. “It’s okay. You don’t need to do something you don’t want to… Are you okay?” he asked in concern. 

“I’m fine… I just…” Tom’s voice faltered. “I wanna go home…

“Okay,” Ryan said softly. 

Tom and Ryan slowly walked off the building. “I’m really sorry,” Tom said ashamed, as they stopped in front of Tom’s car. 

“I already told you, it’s okay… I’m a bit frustrated, I have to say, but… No is no,” Ryan said.

Only a few meters away, Kyle Sullivan stared at Ryan and Tom with inquisitive eyes. He almost couldn’t believe his eyes. With a little help from destiny, he found the young police officer who filled his vivid dreams.

_It was his lucky night,_ he thought.

Everything he needed to do was follow Tom and maybe he would find out where he lived.

_And then he finally would be his._

 

_Tom’s apartment_

“Dennis,” Tom muttered in surprise as he saw the other officer in his couch. “How…”

Dennis lowered his head. “I scaled the fire escape,” he quietly confessed.

Tom let out a small laugh. “Months ago it was me who scaled a fire escape… I broke into your apartment…”

“Because you didn’t trust me…” Dennis muttered.

Tom nodded. “Yeah… I was stupid… And why did you break into my apartment?”

“I was worried about you…” Dennis sighed heavily. “And… I wanted to apologize for my behavior this morning… I think I overreacted…”

Tom felt a lump on his throat. “I don’t blame you… I didn’t explain myself properly,” he said ashamed. 

Dennis’ heart hammered in his chest.

Tom embraced himself. “I’m scared, Dennis… I’m starting to feel different about you…”

“You are?” Dennis muttered in surprise.

“I tried to explain to you this morning that I’m not ready yet to…” Tom’s voice trailed off. Everything was too hard for him. “I’m not healed yet…” he lowered his head, his face flushing a little. 

A wave of pain took Dennis’ heart. “Tom…”

“And yes, I’m truly scared,” Tom quietly confessed. “It’s hard to be alone… I think you were wondering where I was…”

Dennis cleared his throat, fearing what Tom would say. He was deadly jealous of him. 

_He couldn’t deny it._

“I was in Ryan’s apartment,” Tom said.

“So you called him…” Dennis shook his head. 

Tom nodded. “Yeah, I did… I was afraid to be alone and he invited me… But… I… I don’t want to be with him…”

“No?” Dennis frowned.

Tom lowered his head. “No, I want to be with you… It’s you… Not him…”

Dennis took a step forward and caressed Tom’s face. “And I want to be with you… You don’t need to be scared… I would never force you to do something you don’t want to…”

“I know,” Tom lowered his head.

“But if you really want to be with me, well, I have some conditions…” Dennis said seriously.

“Conditions?” Tom frowned.

“Yeah, Tom… I don’t want you to see Ryan anymore… And you need to continue with therapy. You’re obviously confused and in pain,” Dennis stated. “You need to understand yourself… I want you in my life willingly, not because you’re confused or scared. I want you to be honest with me, but you need to understand yourself first.”

Tom quietly nodded. “I won’t see Ryan anymore… and I’ll continue to see Dr. Turner,” he said. 

Dennis smiled at him. “I know it’s hard for you, Tom… It takes time to heal both physically and emotionally. I’m here for you… ”

Tom smiled at him and, leaning forward, kissed him softly.

******

In front of Tom’s building, Kyle smiled to himself. He finally knew how to find Tom.


	18. Chapter 18

_Tom’s apartment_  
_Three days later_

_Tom’s apartment_

Tom opened his door and Dennis walked into the apartment. “I was waiting for you,” the young officer said.

“Sorry… It’s this last case. We finally found out what was happening in the school, why the teenagers were committing suicide… It was a teacher,” Dennis explained with a shake of his head. “She was… manipulating the students… It was terrible…”

“I’m really sorry. Are you okay?” Tom asked, gently resting his hand over Dennis’s shoulder. 

Dennis sighed heavily. “I dunno… Those girls were so young…”

Tom cleared his throat. He could understand Dennis’ angst. Sometimes could be really hard to be a police officer. They needed to face the worst of the human race. 

_And it was hard._

“I went to the hospital today,” Tom said quietly, changing the subject. He wanted to talk to Dennis about his trip to the hospital. “They made more blood tests and I’m okay, I’m clean… I mean, there’ll be more test for AIDS, but… I’m doing fine…”

Dennis smiled and pulled Tom in his arms. “This is great news, Tom! You’ll be okay!”

“The doctor performed an internal exam and he told me I’m healing well…” Tom explained.

“This is good,” Dennis said quietly.

“I talked to him about us,” Tom confessed. 

Dennis’ eyes widened in surprise. He didn’t expect Tom to talk about their relationship with the doctor. “You did?”

Tom nodded. “He told me to wait at least a week before…before…” Tom’s voice faltered. He was still insecure about the changes in his life. But he was starting to fall in love with Dennis and he was willing to make their relationship work. “We’ll need to wait just a little and, I swear, I’ll do everything you want…”

“Do you understand that I’m not pressuring you?” Dennis asked in concern. Having Tom in his arms was his dream, but he wanted it to be special. Tom meant everything o him.

“I know…” Tom lowered his head. 

“You’re healing physically, but… you need to heal here as well,” he said, resting his right hand on Tom’s heart. “I’m happy you’re starting to think about it… But you really need to want it, Tom. Because this is not about me, this is about you…”

“Dennis…” Tom muttered. 

Dennis pulled tom in his arms. “I do love you,” he said. “All I want is your happiness. I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything.”

Tom kissed him softly. It was too soon to say _I love you_ , but Dennis was already in his soul. The word _love_ was built in his heart, just waiting to be said at the right time. 

******

In front of Tom’s builing, Kyle smiled in anticipation. He finally had everything in place to have _his_ Tom. The young police officer who stole his heart would never see his friends or family again. He would be his and only his. 

Kyle didn’t like the man who was always in the apartment. It seemed he had Tom’s trust. Kyle wondered if he was his boyfriend and clenched his fist in anger. He wanted to kill that guy.

But he was man in a mission.

He was there to kidnap the young police officer. 

_And nothing else mattered_

.


	19. Chapter 19

_Two days later_  
_Tom’s apartment_

Dennis looked at Tom’s sleeping form and smiled. The young officer seemed tranquil and in peace. He barely could believe how much his life changed last month. Here he was sleeping beside him Tom Hanson. 

“Morning,” Tom said softly, as he opened his eyes.

“Morning,” Denis leaned over him and kissed him softly. 

Tom closed his eyes and caressed Dennis’ hair. It was a simple display of affection, but it was certainly a step forward in their relationship. 

Dennis stopped the kiss. “Oh, my, I do love you,” he said, caressing Tom’s face. He positioned himself over Tom and started to kiss him again. 

Tom remained silent. He felt a little uncomfortable with Dennis all over him, but he didn’t want to disappoint the other officer. 

“Are you okay?” Dennis soft voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah…” Tom nodded. “It’s just… I’m not used to…” 

Dennis smiled and rolled off him. “It’s okay,” he said calmly. Then he quickly rolled Tom over himself. “Better?”

Tom looked at him with wide eyes. “Dennis…”

“You need to learn to trust me, Tom… You don’t need to do something you’re not comfortable with,” he said softly, caressing Tom’s hair. “You’ll not upset me…”

Tom stared at him and smiled. “I know… You’re very patient…”

“This is not about patience, Tommy,” he said, resting his hand over Tom’s chest. “This is about love… I love you. I want to see you safe and happy.”

Tom’s heart beat hard and fast. He was about to murmur something like _thank you_ , but thought it could be inappropriate. Then he placed a kiss on Dennis’ lips. 

“I hate to stop this, but I have to go to the Chapel early this morning,” Dennis said quietly.

“I know,” Tom said. “I have to meet Doug in…” he looked at the digital clock beside his bed. “Four hours…”

Tom watched as Dennis walked into bathroom. The young police officer was little by little healing from the brutal attack he suffered. He was healing both, body and soul. Now, looking at Dennis, he could see a future. Maybe he could leave everything behind him and be happy again.

After Dennis left his apartment, Tom went to the shower. He looked at his arm and smiled as he didn’t feel the need of hurting himself. Dennis’ loyalty and patience were helping him to go through the nightmare his life became after the attack.

He turned off the faucets and left the bathroom. He dried himself and, as he picked up clean clothes, he heard his room door open. “Dennis,” he turned his head only to face the man who filled his nightmares.

Kyle was pointing a gun to him. “Hello, Officer Hanson!” he let out an evil smile. “Long time no see…”

“You…” Tom muttered, breathing hard and fast.


	20. Chapter 20

Tom tried to keep himself as calm as possible. “What do you want?” he asked stepping back.

“Stay where you are,” Kyle warned him. “Don’t move or I’ll shoot you.”

Tom stopped and cleared his throat. His weapon was in his bedroom and at this moment he was at the mercy of the man in front of him. 

“Good,” Kyle smiled. “You asked me what I want… Well, I want you…”

Tom looked at him terrified. “No… Don’t,” he let out in a whisper.

“I’ve been dreaming about this,” he said, pulling Tom closer and kissing his neck. “You’re finally with me again.”

Tom started to feel nauseous. The gun was pressed against his stomach and Kyle grabbed his neck. “I missed you,” he said, licking Tom’s face and, for a moment, the young officer wondered that would be better to die than let that man touch him again. 

“Please… don’t do this to me,” Tom pleaded, with defeated eyes. He knew the man wouldn’t stop, but he needed to do something, to tell something.

Kyle smiled. “Do what?” he asked, licking his lips. “What I shouldn’t do to you?”

Tom felt a shiver ran down his spine. “I don’t wan…” his voice faltered in fear. He couldn’t even to say it out loud. And he knew the man was only playing a game with him, trying to humiliate him. 

An evil grin covered Kyle’s face. “You’ll come with me… But first… I would like to have you here…In your apartment.”

Tom felt his heart racing in fear. He would die before he let that man put his hands on him again. But…

_He had an idea…_

“Fine…” Tom muttered, lowering his head. “Just don’t hurt me… Last time, I bleed and… I felt so much pain… I won’t fight you, just be gentle…” 

Kyle looked at Tom upside down. “I think I can do that… I can be gentle to you. C’mon, walk to your room…”,” he ordered.

Tom walked obediently to his bedroom. All the time Kyle was pointing his gun at him. “Strip,” his abductor ordered.

Tom sighed heavily and started to strip down his clothes. For a moment, he wondered if he was doing the right thing. But he had no choice. Faking surrender was his only hope. 

“You’re a pretty little thing,” Kyle looked at him upside down. “You really fooled me. I would never imagine you’re a cop. Turn around… I want to see…”

Feeling uncomfortable, Tom turned around. He knew Kyle was examining him, but couldn’t see his eyes.

“You're really perfect! Look at me,” Kyle ordered and Tom turned around again, obediently. 

Kyle pressed his body against Tom’s and kissed him roughly. “I’ll try to be gentle to you,” he said. “And then… You’ll go with me… If you behave, I’ll never hurt you again… C’mon, lie down.”

Tom swallowed hard. He was feeling really exposed right now. “Okay…” he muttered, trying to calm himself down. 

Tom nodded and lied down on the bed obediently. He would try his best to stop Kyle. He only hoped his plan would work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, but I found this chapter extremely difficult to write. The next one will be hard as well and I'll do my best to finish it soon.  
> Thank you for the kudos! This fandom is special for me, despite the fact there are only a few people reading and writing stories.


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